Taking a Break

Over 50 ovulation sticks, 15 doctors appointments, 2 ultrasounds, 30 progesterone pills, 25 femara pills, at least 20 negative pregnancy tests, MANY dollars in medical bills, 1,000,000,000 tears, and 12 months of disappointment later - Jake and I are taking a break from trying to start a family.

After a disappointing doctors appointment on Friday, Jake and I decided we (mostly I) can't handle the stress and devastation anymore.

We went in for our second ultrasound hoping that we could get the trigger shot that would give the go ahead for my body to finally ovulate but... no such luck. My ovaries are pro at creating cysts (I've got about 20) but when it comes to follicles - they struggle.

Once we got out of the office I hurt more than I ever have in my life for so many reasons and I cried for each one of them: (1) My emotions have been ridiculous ever since we started messing with my hormones to try to fix me (I cry watching commercials for the Olympics on a regular basis). (2) I feel like I have failed at being a woman. (3) I feel like I let Jake down. (4) I don't get that precious baby I have wanted more than anything in the world. (5) What a waste of money. (6) We have to start all over again.

Jake even cried, but his reasons were different: (1) He hated seeing me in so much pain.

The doctor had told me that the 3rd time on the femara was a charm - but it wasn't. I had my hopes up so high when I knew I shouldn't have. People kept telling me, "It will happen when it's supposed to." "Maybe it's not your time." "There's a different plan in store." I heard them and understood but in my mind I kept thinking that the Lord requires you to put in effort too. I can't just think that the Lord will put a baby in my belly when he wants, I need to go through the steps and put in the effort that it requires.

I was putting in the effort and being patient (or so I thought) and I still wasn't getting what I wanted and it was killing me.

So many people have said that they weren't even trying and it just happened and I wanted that to happen for us, but we're different - I'm different.

I was ashamed to tell people that we wanted to start a family but it wasn't happening the way we had planned. I didn't want people to know how bad I wanted a family because sometimes the attempts to console me just made it that much harder.

This is when I decided that I had the wrong mindset. I might have been taking all the right steps but I wasn't in the right frame of mind. I just need to have the faith that everyone was telling me I needed to have in the first place. I was putting too much stress on my body and asking it to do something that maybe it really wasn't supposed to do yet.

So, Jake and I are taking a break to give my body and mind the rest that it needs. I'm not taking any more pills, or peeing on any more sticks because my sanity can't handle that anymore. I don't want to put Jake through anymore of my craziness.

Yes, we still want a baby more than anything in the world but we have a different frame of mind now.

We are taking time for us because that's what we have right now and it's more than enough for us.