Scared

Since only my close friends and family read this blog I decided it would be ok to post a little bit of a personal story about something that recently happened.

A few nights ago I was talking with Jake and explained to him that I was a little "late." (Hopefully we all know what that means...) I was freaking out quite a bit but of course Jake is cool as a cucumber no matter what happens. We had discussed how we love babies so much but we just aren't ready for one quite yet. We don't have much of an income with Jake going to school with a full schedule and me doing my student teaching. Jake told me that he understands how I feel and that he supports me no matter what, but he would still love a little baby whenever it decided to come. I waited a few days longer and decided that I needed to know right then whether a baby was occupying my belly or not. On my way home from school I stopped by the dollar store (because they sell pregnancy tests there for a dollar whereas at Wal-Mart they are like eight bucks!!) and felt like a complete idiot as I rushed through the store looking for the tests. At the checkout stand with only a pregnancy test on the conveyor belt I felt even more ridiculous. I started to wonder what this lady was thinking of me...

I  got home and wanted to take the test immediately but decided that for that rare chance that I was pregnant, I wanted Jake there to console me. Jake came home about three hours later and I was extremely antsy. The second he walked through the door we decided to take the test.

The test came back and it was... negative. Of course I knew this was most likely going to be the result. I should have felt relieved, right? We hadn't even been trying for a baby so this was expected, right? I hadn't let myself actually think that I was pregnant, had I?

WRONG!! I let myself break. I told myself that I could actually be a mother and I let myself shake off the tough exterior about how much I wasn't ready for a baby. I had gotten to the point where I actually took a test and when I saw the single line instead of the double line it hurt. Suddenly, I wanted to be a mom. I wanted Jake to be a dad. I thought I was ready and I didn't let anything else matter. That night I had a glimpse of just how hard it is to get a negative result. I cried. I sobbed! I told Jake I didn't know why this was happening because I thought I didn't want to be pregnant, I thought I had expected it to be a negative, I thought I wasn't ready. It was a rough night. Even now when I think about it I tear up a little bit. Jake was the studly husband that he always is and comforted me until I was finally stable.

That night I realized that I'm still not ready to be a mother, but when the time comes, I know I will be. I also realized, Jake will always be ready. He will always be the perfect father, even now when there are no children to be a father to. Jake will always be there and never let me down even when I go crazy. Even though that night was rough, it opened my eyes to the future.